Hello my friends! I hope this finds you well.

So many of you responded so positively to last week's newsletter "What Does It Even Mean To Be Christian Anymore?" In fact, with several hundred responses, I think it was the most responses I've gotten from a single newsletter. I just can't express how grateful I am to have weekly conversations with all of you who are so genuinely wanting to navigate these difficult topics together. Thank you!

A lot of the questions I got from you last week was on the theme of "conversations in conflict." With all that is happening in our world, one of the most difficult things is trying to navigate them with family and friends who see things the opposite way. Especially when their disagreement is minimizing, shaming, and hurtful.

Some of your questions were:

"I have a question for you about boundaries. I listen to a few different sermons each week, and while pastors are often very thorough explaining grace, I often wonder why they fail to mention boundaries."

"I am not here for division, to point fingers or play the blame game. I am just wanting my family to understand that things like racism still exists and the denial of white privilege directly harms our brothers and sisters of color, when the realization of it can be used to work toward a change and help them."

"How do I have productive conversations with those who believe so differently from me?"

We are going to take a closer look at this theme, but first, here are some resources for further reading on this topic.

Resources To Consider:

-I'm sure you've probably read this already, but "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead" by Brene Brown has been immensely helpful to me in this area. I especially liked this audio version, where she reads it herself. I highly recommend it.

-A resource I have found helpful in the past, for both individuals and small groups, is called "A Charitable Discourse: Talking About the Things That Divide Us" by Dan Boone. This particular version even comes with a DVD for small groups. You can also just purchase the book on its own.

-One of the books I am currently working my way through is the New York Times bestseller called "Boundaries, Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life." by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

-Those of you who have been following me will know that I am a fan of the Hidden Brain podcast. Their episode in their "Relationships 2.0 series called: How To Keep Conflict From Spiraling" is especially relevant to this theme. They have many other episodes in this series that are really helpful as well.

-Last, but certainly not least, is Valarie Kaur's book called "See No Stranger: A Memoir and Manifesto of Revolutionary Love." If you only pick one book out of the ones I recommend here, it should be this one. It is not only an incredible book of walking through conflict with those who disagree hostilely with you, but it is an opportunity for us Christians to hear the experience of someone who experiences America in a vastly different way from us. This is an absolute must read.

Okay, onto today's content!

Conversations In Conflict

These questions about boundaries and how to have productive conversations with others who over the serious issues of our time is a topic that is really close to my heart. Especially when these conversations can be so stressful and even hurtful.

It is honestly why I started posting on social media more in 2019 and why I write this newsletter today. I want there to be a space for authentic and productive conversations over hard issues within Christian circles. It is one of the things I desire most.

One of the factors that makes conversations like this so difficult is how many Christian’s identity is tied to their beliefs and how those beliefs, in their mind, is tied both to the Bible and to God. So because Christianity is such a doctrinal religion, changing one’s beliefs can be a deeply unsettling and often an impossible prospect to consider. In this framework, changing our mind can feel like we are not only failing ourselves, but failing scripture and failing God.

Add to this context the reality that so much of Western religion and psychology has been influenced, for better and for worse, by Descartes’ notion of “I think therefore I am.” While he was talking about discerning the faculty of human consciousness, it seems that in many functional ways in our culture, our personal identity is now seen as being intrinsically tied to what we think. We could describe it as “I am what I think.” This makes religious and political dogma feel like a really safe place to be for many Christians and many Americans. This us why honest conversations between those conflicting dogmas feels almost impossible.

So here we all are, trying to navigate this context with our friends, our family, and others, some of whom hold harmful and even hateful beliefs towards other people. How on earth are we supposed to do this, let alone do it well?

Unfortunately, there isn’t a simple answer to this question, but that’s a good thing believe it or not. This is a nuanced issue that needs a nuanced response. Every human person is complex, nuanced, unrepeatable, and irreducible (which is why reducing ourselves to just our set of beliefs is so problematic). This means that our approach to these hard conversations and the boundaries we choose to set must look different for each relationship in our lives.

Now, whole books have been written on the topic of healthy conflict resolution and boundaries, some of which I recommend in this newsletter. So I’m not going to try to write book length newsletter to try to touch on all the aspects of this topic (and all my readers said “AMEN!”). I’d just like to take a quick look at a couple of examples from Christ’s teachings of how we might approach tough conversations and boundaries with others.

As I said, these examples won’t fit every situation, but they are meant to be a possible option given the nature of both the individual(s) involved and your relationship with them.

Okay, let’s look at a few.

What Is Your Goal?

What should be our goal in conversations of conflict? I have found it really helpful to remember that my primary goal within my relationships isn’t to win debates or to convert them to my way of thinking. That would mean they would end up being like me, rather than like Jesus, which isn’t great, because I know I still have flaws in my own thinking too. We are all at different places of growth.

My primary goal then should be faithful love. For faithful love is really the only source of real and profound change in our world. When faithful love is prioritized in relationships, we are changed as well as those with whom we are in relationship! When faithful love is the context of our relationships, it stops being about “competing beliefs or values” and starts being about how to love one another and our world better as Christians. It starts being about the gospel.

This concept always makes me think of 1 Peter 3:15, “But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.”

I grew up in a tradition that always emphasized the “always be prepared to give an answer” part of this verse, but very little about the “reason for hope that you have” and especially not the “but do this with gentleness and respect” part. Hope, gentleness, and respect within a context of mutual faithful love within our relationships as Christians is paramount.

For those relationships that are especially tense, with those who constantly seem angry and fearful towards the world around them, this need for faithful love is especially true. One of my “go to” questions is, “can we set this issue aside just for a minute and can I ask you something?” If they agree, I say, “it seems like this issue consistently brings up a lot of anger and hurt for you. It makes me concerned that it is causing your spirit and your mind a lot of stress. Do you feel like all this is impacting you in the best way?”

Often, not always, this will disarm any “us versus them” tension and if it is received in a loving way, it will allow us an opportunity to actually listen to each other’s experience of the issue and eventually foster more authentic conversations about the issue itself.

Now that we’ve determined our goal, how do we actually navigate these conversations well?

Know When It Is Time For Peace Or A “Sword.”

You’ve heard the old phrase, “pick your battles!.” So, how do we “pick our battles” in conversations of conflict? When do we “keep the peace” and when do we take a stand for what we know to be just and right?

Surprisingly, there’s an often misquoted verse that applies here. It’s Jesus in Matthew 10:34-36, “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and one’s foes will be members of one’s own household”

This verse is often thrown at me by other Christians when I try to advocate Jesus as a “peacemaker.” As if Jesus is bringing a “literal” sword to conquer the world rather than peace. Ironically, if he were talking about a “literal” sword, he wouldn’t have told Peter to put his literal sword away when he used it in Matthew 26:52. (I wrote more about this topic here.)

What Jesus is actually talking about here, using a sword as a metaphor, is that the life and “kingdom” he has called us to usher into the world with him is going to cause division whether we want it to or not. Even turning family members against each other. Yet, he means this in a very specific way.

It is one thing when division is caused because someone is intentionally pursuing destructive choices and harming others. It is quite another thing when division is caused because you want to do things like “bring good news to the poor” and “liberate the oppressed” like Jesus was doing. These actions tend to upset the status quo, especially for those whose power depends on the status quo staying the same. This can turn relationships sour when people find themselves upsetting the status quo of their families. This is sometimes the great cost of discipleship to Jesus.

So in our conversations of conflict with friends and families, only you know when it is the right time to risk division rather than keep the status quo within the relationship. Again, prioritizing faithful love is paramount here. Yet sometimes the most loving and respectful thing you can do is gently and respectfully stand up for your convictions on an issue and allow the other person to make the decision within your relationship that they feel best suits them. There are times when you just can’t go along with the status quo any longer and even though it’s really painful, some may choose their relationship with the status quo over their relationship with you.

Now that we’ve talked about when others might choose to end relationship with us, how do we set healthy boundaries in relationships that cause us pain?

Know When To “Shake The Dust Off Your Feet.”

As some of you know, I am a recovering people pleaser. As a first born and the nature of my personality, I love doing what makes people happy, even when it impacts me negatively. It has been something I have thankfully addressed in my life and continue to work on.

But for the majority of my life, I couldn’t imagine ever disappointing someone because of my beliefs let alone putting up healthy boundaries towards someone who was mistreating me because they thought I believed the wrong things. My identity was so tied to making people happy that I would just continue to try my best to please them, even when it was impossible. It lead to a lot of deep pain and mental health issues, especially in my ministry. The kind I would never want anyone to have to endure.

Then I had this “ah-ha” moment studying scripture with a fellow pastor one day. It Matthew chapter 10 when Jesus sent the disciples out two-by-two. In verses 13-14 he says, “If the home is welcoming, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you. If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.”

Like a flash of lightening, I realized in that moment that Jesus didn’t say, “stay in there and try harder for them to like you, even if they are hurtful to you” or “if they don’t listen to you, you obviously need to be more convincing. It’s your fault they don’t believe what you are saying.” No, he said, “leave and shake the dust from off your feet.” That is so freeing!

What Jesus is getting at here is that we are to look for “people of peace” because he has called us to be “people of peace.” We are to look for those who are receptive to the message of peace and will desire mutual understanding and dialogue.

Doing the opposite of this led people-pleasing me to only focus on the people in my church who complained the loudest and hurt me the most, rather than those who faithfully gave their time and energy to loving our church, others, and me very well. You see, when we spend all our time trying to give peace to those who refuse to receive it, we aren’t giving it to those who want and need peace. We are also depriving ourselves from peace as well. It is a dynamic that will cause a lot of stress and anxiety in our lives.

So again, this will look different in every relationship. “Shaking the dust off your feet” might look like telling your family that you would prefer one on one conversations and that you are finally leaving that group chat that is a constant source of stress and division between you and them. It may look like not being friends on social media with certain people in order to be better friends with them in real life. It may look like framing expectations of what can and shouldn’t be spoken about within a relationship so that it can continue in a healthy direction. Expectations that if broken will lead to you to “shaking the dust off your feet.”

Especially in Christian circles, we have emphasized being “long suffering” and “always forgiving” to such an unhealthy extent that we almost feel expected to subject ourselves to mistreatment in order to make the relationship work. As you can see from Jesus’ own words, this is not something he expects from us. So we shouldn’t expect that from ourselves either. You can take a lot of freedom in knowing that simply because a relationship with someone isn’t good for either of you doesn’t mean you’ve failed. God still loves them deeper than you ever could. God has them and will take care of them. Just like God does the same for you.

The reality is, relationships based on faithful love will be able to go through the most difficult conflict without devolving into mistreating one another. So, if that faithful love isn’t an agreed upon core value, and you have been repeatedly mistreated in conversations of conflict, do not feel any shame in doing what you need to do to establish healthy boundaries, even if that means “shaking the dust off your feet.”

In Summery

Again, these aren’t meant to be an absolute solution to every conversation of conflict. Conversations are as messy as we humans are. My hope is that these might provide a bit more clarity as you navigate these conversations with the ones you love.

I’m always so in awe of how Jesus was able to do this so well. Among his followers were people like Simon the Zealot and Matthew the tax collector. The zealots were an extremist insurrectionist group, intent on overthrowing Rome and tax collectors were loyal Roman employees and subjects. Both of these guys were on the complete opposite ends of the political spectrum. Yet they both followed Jesus. Through parables, sermons, and spending years together, prioritizing faithful love, these two were changed by and found common ground in the gospel of Jesus.

I can’t help but believe that this is still possible among followers of Jesus today. I believe that it is through the sacred habits of choosing to prioritize faithful love, knowing when to keep the peace and when to stand firm, knowing when to stay and knowing when to shake the dust from our feet, all while practicing healthy boundaries, that we can all really grow together towards the gospel of Jesus. One step at a time.

Now I want to hear from you. Was there something I missed that you have found helpful in these difficult conversations? Let me know your thoughts!

As always, thank you for reading. If you know of anyone who you might thing would also find this helpful, feel free to send them this link to join: https://benjamin-cremer.ck.page/​

Have a wonderful week!

-Ben

Previous Newsletters:

​What Does It Even Mean To Be Christian Anymore?​

​The Myths We Believe​

​The Plank In Our Own Eye​

​What do you mean by "Christian?"​

​Trading Jesus Christ for Jesus Barabbas​